Well a few months ago I got the flu for a week and I actually lost 15 pounds. I wasn’t eating because I was sick and when I finally felt alive again my sister made me step on a scale.

For my height 120 is a healthy weight so its not a serious thing. I am happier without those 15 pounds. I had accepted my appearance at 135 but it wasn’t really something I was happy about. And even now at 120 when I look at my body in a mirror I don’t see curves I see bulges.

When I was in middle school my dad started getting on me about my weight. He would tap my stomach and tell me to go diet.
Once he said I could pack it in and would look like my grandmother(A sweet and very round woman) in two years after I ate two and a half bowls of vegetable soup. After my mom shouted at him about this he laid off the direct approach.
Instead I would watch my sister eat three rolls for dinner and as I would reach for a second one and he would say in a kindly tone“I think you’ve had enough.” My sister knew how upsetting this was for me so she taught me how to tighten my stomach muscles to make my stomach look smaller. I still do it sometimes out of habit.

The whole experience  continued until college which is ironically when I gained the most weight. I guess it left a bit of a mark. My taste in men for instance. I will not lie. I love scrawny men.

I would never ever judge anybody for their body but in terms of what I find beautiful…I see those posts where those girls are proud of how they look at whatever weight they are. I think that acceptance is beautiful but it makes me sad that I can’t see that size as beautiful. I don’t sit and judge people’s appearances in my head but when this kind of thing comes up…I wish I could turn off the part of my brain that thought being thin was so important.

Another note of sad irony. The thinner sister who could eat three rolls of bread developed a mild eating disorder for a while so I suppose nobody came out unscathed

Since I started drawing portraits and I can spend an hour on the corner of a lip or the curve of a nose . I don’t think I ever look at somebody and immediately find them attractive. Even actors on TV. It took Tumblr, after seeing Les mis, and My week with Marylin ages ago, to notice that Eddie Redmayne is gorgeous. It took about an episode of Sherlock before I really could appreciate Benedict or Martin. I think it might have something to do with soaking in the idea of the person. If I love that than pretty soon I love looking at that person.

And its funny because I am finding that what I love about faces is their inherent personality and the parts that might be seen as flaws. I love Benny’s long face and Ryan Goslings insanely big chin. Eddie Redmayne has a lady mouth but it fits his face and Daniel Craig ought to be an old man considering how many lines are on his face. I also think Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander is beautiful and so is Meryl Streep or Judi Dench.

I guess my concept of beauty is changing and I hope one day I am just over this thin thing and I can truly appreciate people of all shapes and sizes

I will end this with one of my recent portraits of one of my favorite odd looking men


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